Helping Children Deal With Differences

Hi,

I’ve just found an article that you may find useful in solving disputes in your home daycare. Here it is:

HELPING CHILDREN DEAL WITH DIFFERENCES

National Network for Child Care’s Connections Newsletter

Marilyn Brink, M.Ed., ECE
District Supervisor/Trainer
Two Rivers Head Start, St. Charles, Illinois

When noted kindergarten teacher Vivian Paley and her students from the University of Chicago lab school adopted a new classroom rule: You can’t say “you can’t play,” they realized that’s not how things worked in the real world. They began to see that whether or not you could play often depended on how you looked or whether you were different. So Paley and her students decided to try to make their classroom “nicer” than the real world.

All children learn very early what adults around them value. Between the ages of 2 and 5, children are becoming aware of gender, race, ethnicity, and disabilities (Neugebauer, 1992). They can see how we feel about people who are different from us. And our feelings gradually begin to influence their feelings. Children do what we do, not what we tell them to do.

We need to become aware of our own attitudes. Ana Consuelo Matiella encourages us to give children an environment in which they can begin to learn about differences. Our goal in this type of environment is for children to develop fairness and tolerance for differences and to learn to challenge unfair treatment of others.

For the longest time, in our efforts to be fair, we have tried to treat all children alike. “I don’t even notice Kiki’s color,” her caregiver claims. Louise Derman-Sparks calls this the color-blind approach. She says that people who deny differences mean well. They are trying to counter bigotry by saying we are all alike under our skin. But this approach defines being different as something negative. When we deny a child’s differences, we ignore his uniqueness.

Because children form identity and self-concept during this sensitive period of development, we must answer their questions honestly and factually. We must take the time to challenge distorted thinking, which is actually preprejudice (York, 1991). Young children watch their parents and teachers to see how they react to prejudicial ideas and comments. Our responses greatly affect the ideas that they will form.

Preschool children are naturally curious about the world, and they have questions about specific things that they notice. Questions about physical, gender, ethnic, or racial differences may be difficult for some adults to answer. But the way we answer will influence the child who is concluding that something is “wrong” with a person who is different.

Elizabeth Cary, author of “Talking about Differences Children Notice,” gives some guidelines for responding to awkward questions. Children are more comfortable with differences when they understand why people are different.

RESPOND PROMPTLY. If possible, answer questions as soon as children ask them. If you ignore questions, children may decide that there is something wrong about the question or the person the question concerns. Children learn not to ask questions that make people uncomfortable. Prejudice often begins when children develop misconceptions based on their limited experiences.

GIVE SIMPLE ANSWERS. Answers should be simple and relate to a child’s experience and level of development. If a child asks, “Why is that man so dark?,” you can say simply, “He is dark because his mother and/or father is dark. You have blond hair just like your mother.”

MODEL RESPECTFUL BEHAVIOR, BOTH VERBALLY AND NONVERBALLY. Many people were taught as children not to stare. They were taught so well that they avoid looking at people with disabilities at all.

ACKNOWLEDGE CHILDREN’S FEARS. Some children are afraid of the unknown. They may have wrong ideas about people who are different. They may be suspicious of unusual people and resist the new and different. Fears should be accepted, and children should be offered help to deal with their fears. Helpful responses acknowledge the child’s feelings. You might say, “You’re scared of the man without legs.” Then give the child the tools and experiences to help her deal with her fear.

INTRODUCE DIFFERENCES THROUGH BOOKS. It can be less threatening for some children to meet people who are different first in a book. Issues surrounding differences can be discussed in terms of the characters in the book. Then you can broaden the discussion to include children in the group or people in the community.

It is important for adults to be sensitive to the unasked questions as well (Cary, 1992). If you sense that a child is confused or uneasy, try to verbalize those feelings for him. Get feelings out in the open so you can talk about them.

Remember, though, that actions speak louder than words. So we must be especially careful about how our actions shape the values that children learn as they encounter the people in their world. If we don’t act, they will learn by default the messages that are all too prevalent in the world. And we’ll find ourselves perpetuating ideas that we really do not want to pass on to our children.

REFERENCES

Cary, E. 1992. “Talking about Differences Children Notice.” In B. Neugebauer (Ed.), *Alike and Different* (pp. 11-15). Washington, DC: National Association for the Education of Young Children.

Derman-Sparks, L. 1992. “Reaching Potentials Through Anti-Bias, Multicultural Curriculum.” In S. Bredekamp and T. Rosegrant (Eds.), *Reaching Potentials: Appropriate Curriculum and Assessment for Young Children*, vol. 1. Washington, DC: National Association for the Education of Young Children.

Heller, C. Spring 1993. “Equal Play.” In *Teaching Tolerance*, vol. 1, no. 1, pp. 24-37.

Matiella, A. 1991. Positively Different: Creating a Bias-Free Environment for Young Children. Santa Cruz, CA: ETR Associates.

York, S. 1991. *Roots And Wings: Affirming Culture in Early Childhood Programs*. Minnesota: Redleaf Press.

Reprinted with permission from the Fox Valley AEYC, Elgin, Illinois.

DOCUMENT USE/COPYRIGHT
National Network for Child Care - NNCC. Part of CYFERNET, the National Extension Service
Children Youth and Family Educational Research Network. Permission is granted to reproduce
these materials in whole or in part for educational purposes only (not for profit beyond the cost of
reproduction) provided that the author and Network receive acknowledgment and this notice is
included:

Reprinted with permission from the National Network for Child Care - NNCC. Brink, M. (1994). Helping children deal with differences. In Todd, C.M. (Ed.), *Child care center connections*, 4(3), pp. 1-3. Urbana-Champaign, IL: University of Illinois Cooperative Extension Service.

Talk soon,
Mary Nightingale

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